What did we do last night that was yellow?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize