You're my little dorito
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
