she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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