I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
