that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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