I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
