I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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