the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
