I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This is my gift to your gina
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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