U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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