I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
