Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
