we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
