Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize