Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
