i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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