I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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