I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
