I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
