$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
barbara walters just said penis...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
