Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
