Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
