She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
