You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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