The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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