fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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