We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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