i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
