My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
