Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
