Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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