So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
