I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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