last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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