My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
People in love make me want to vomit
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
