oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
