sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
