I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
