I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
