No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
