Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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