shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
