I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
