we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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