the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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