WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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