my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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