I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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