We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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