where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
