When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
