Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize