he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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