After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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