Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
