we have pet lesbian snakes
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
