I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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