I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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