just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
